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Leaked—Tim Cook’s October 16th monologue notes!

[Serious, reserved look]
At Apple, your trust means everything to us. And we know that recently we’ve lost that trust. We released a horridly-rushed iOS 8.0.1 update that clobbered a number of users’ phones. Our celebrity users had their most private moments shared with the world. Our web site crashed when people tried to order the new iPhone 6. We had to ship iOS 8 without HealthKit and iCloud Drive. We spammed everyone with a U2 album that not everyone wanted. Hell, the last time I tried to give one of these talks, most everyone on the internet had to listen to a Chinese version of myself at the same time.

[Earnest appearance, eye contact with everyone!]
As you can see, we’ve made a number of seriously un-Apple-like mistakes recently, and quite frankly, that’s not acceptable. Not acceptable to you, our customers. Not acceptable to me, and certainly not acceptable to everyone else here at the company. This is not the Apple we all know and love[dramatic pause]…users have been putting up with this for way too long, and today, it ends! [demonstrative]

[Sincere, apologetic look]
I am, at heart, an operations guy. And our operations lately have absolutely sucked. That’s why we’re making a few stunning announcements today. Due to the nature of these announcements, I’ll dispense with the usual retail store updates, previews of our latest ads, and updates on our amazing iPhone 6 and 6 Plus—but let me just say we’ve sold a few! [wink and smile]

Today we are releasing OS X Yosemite, the latest and greatest version of our amazing desktop operating system. But that’s not one of the stunning announcements—everyone knew that was going to happen.

What nobody knew, except for myself and a close circle of advisors, is this: There will not be another major OS X release until the fall of 2016! That’s right; Yosemite will have a full two-year run on users’ desktops. [pause for expected raucous cheers]

Does this mean we’re done innovating? Hell no! [demonstrative]

We’ll continue to push the boundaries on what OS X can do, adding some truly amazing features. But we’re going to work on those features until they’re fully baked, instead of rushing them out to meet an arbitrary yearly release schedule.

We’ll be previewing our new stuff at next year’s WWDC, and developers will get regular copies of OS X 10.11 from that day forward. But for the next two full years, developers can build plans around users running OS X Yosemite. [pause for expected raucous cheers]

Oh, one more thing…iOS will be following a similar two-year development cycle. iOS developers should have the same stable base to target as will OS X developers. [demonstrative]

My second big announcement also involves our developers. For too long, our developers have had to work too hard to make apps for OS X and iOS, and today, we’re ending that problem. Effective today, we have created a new role at Apple: Senior Vice President, Developer Tools. This position will join the other Senior Vice Presidents [Slide: Apple leadership bios] that advise me on a daily basis.

We are investing $750,000,000 in the tools group, with the majority of those funds going to staffing of both tools developers and developer support personnel. Like our hardware and end user software, we want our developer tools to be the best in the business. On behalf of everyone at Apple, developers, we’re sorry for what we’ve put you through, but today marks the beginning of a new Apple [pause for expected raucous cheers]

Finally, I’d like to announce that we’re opening our bug tracker up to the public. If you’re having an issue with an Apple-created OS X or iOS program, you’ll be able to access a web-based browser to see what known issues are in currently-shipping versions of our applications. Obviously, we’ll have to maintain some secrecy over security exposures, but for everything else, you’ll know what we know. It’s a small thing, but by knowing what issues we’re aware of, you’ll be better able to help yourself solve any issues you may run into. [pause for expected raucous cheers]

Many of you may feel these announcements would have been better delivered during next year’s developer conference. Frankly, we can’t wait that long. We need to address our quality problems, and we need to do so now. The best way to do that is to slow down our release pace, get some better tools out there for our developers to use, and to share with everyone what problems we’re aware of.

And now, here’s Dan Riccio to talk about some new hardware we’re also announcing today… [smile, politely clap, exit stage left]

1 Comment

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  1. Hot damn. Being an IT guy who has a small shop, this breakneck pace in the industry the past few years has been a PITA. If these notes are real, glad to hear someone at the top of things saying they need to slow down and release a product rather than a roughly fleshed out idea that morphs, changes and even dies before it reaches maturity.

    I find it even more funny Microsoft just announced not too long ago they are going the other way – faster release cycles (to keep up with Apple and Google).

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