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Oh how I wish

Leaked—Tim Cook’s October 16th monologue notes!

[Serious, reserved look]
At Apple, your trust means everything to us. And we know that recently we've lost that trust. We released a horridly-rushed iOS 8.0.1 update that clobbered a number of users' phones. Our celebrity users had their most private moments shared with the world. Our web site crashed when people tried to order the new iPhone 6. We had to ship iOS 8 without HealthKit and iCloud Drive. We spammed everyone with a U2 album that not everyone wanted. Hell, the last time I tried to give one of these talks, most everyone on the internet had to listen to a Chinese version of myself at the same time.

[Earnest appearance, eye contact with everyone!]
As you can see, we've made a number of seriously un-Apple-like mistakes recently, and quite frankly, that's not acceptable. Not acceptable to you, our customers. Not acceptable to me, and certainly not acceptable to everyone else here at the company. This is not the Apple we all know and love[dramatic pause]…users have been putting up with this for way too long, and today, it ends! [demonstrative]

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