The 24 Rules of the ’24’ Universe

As noted in an earlier post, I’m a late-addict to the 24 phenomenon, as I’m now catching up with prior seasons on DVD. So I thought I’d take a minute or two to note some rules of the ‘24’ universe, at least as I understand them after watching the first three seasons…

Technically, I guess there are some spoilers in here, but they’re generic “minor” spoilers in that they reveal nothing about any particular episode or character. So even if you’re planning on watching, I don’t think my list will be too damaging to your enjoyment of the shows (though it may make you notice some things sooner than if you were left to spot the trends on your own).

Due to the length of the list, I’ve hidden it in part two of the post.

The 24 Rules of the ‘24’ Universe:

1. Given the chance to kill Jack Bauer, an evil-doer will not do so.
2. Given the chance to kill another major ‘good’ character, there’s a 50/50 chance an evil-doer will do so.
3. Given the chance to kill any other ‘good’ character, an evil-doer will do so.
4. When guarding an exit door, police officers will always stand looking out said door, instead of back at the hallway, making it easy for any evil-doer to slide up behind them and take them out.
5. When guarding an area, CTU and the police will leave one blatantly obvious exit path unguarded.
6. The CTU motor pool issues only large American-made SUVs, typically silver.
7. All evil-doers also drive large American-made SUVs, typically black.
8. Most any problem can be solved by opening a port.
9. If opening a port doesn’t solve the problem, then you must create a protocol.
10. Protocols must be followed, unless you’re Jack Bauer.
11. If you work for “Division,” you only care about protocols and covering your butt in case things go wrong.
12. CTU’s systems can increase image resolution while zooming in to see fine details.
13. CTU’s annual budget request for cubicle walls is always rejected, leading to the inability of anyone on the floor to do anything in secret.
14. All areas of CTU’s workspace are public and visible, except Tech1, where the most-important and often most sinister work occurs.
15. CTU can block all employees’ conversations and emails during times of crisis, but personal cell phone use is allowed without restriction.
16. CTU’s business jets are capable of travel at greater than the speed of sound. (Time the flight from Los Angeles to Visalia in season #2 for proof.)
17. CTU system passwords change seemingly randomly, causing employees to verbally give passwords to one another, thereby severely limiting effectiveness of said passwords.
18. Those on the ‘good’ side get Macs. Evil-doers get PCs.
19. Evil-doers will overlook at least one extremely obvious problem in their plans. As a generic example, Chief Bad Dude won’t remember to move his relatives to a safe location before implementing his extremely evil plan.
20. Cell phones will say “No Service” only at the most inopportune times.
21. Cell phone batteries never die, except at the most inopportune times.
22. Tracing a call will always take at least n+1 seconds, where n is the duration of the call.
23. If Kim Bauer is involved, her life will be endangered in some way.
24. You may think you know what’s going on. You’re wrong. You won’t know until at least hour 23, minute 45 or so.

I’m sure there are more rules than the 24 presented here; it just made a nice round number :). Feel free to add your own in the comments, of course!

You may think this list means I’ve now soured on the show. Far from it; the third season was just as entertaining as either of the first two. But after so many hours of exposure, you just start to notice some things happening over and over again. And the only real annoyance I’ve found so far is the seemingly meaningless use of techno-babble in the CTU offices. String together a bunch of technical words, and presto, instant dialog. Thankfully, they don’t spend a lot of time in the office!

And tonight, it’s time to start season number four!