As I'm getting ready to head home this afternoon, and with the events of yesterday, I started to wonder where this was all heading...
Air travel, circa 2008
Good morning, Mr. Smith, and thank you for choosing Luxo Air. Please place your checked baggage on the conveyor, and head to gate 23. You're all checked in.
'Thanks for the help!'
You're quite welcome, enjoy the trip!
After spending an enjoyable 45 minutes in the Preflight Security screening line, Mr. Smith reaches the actual screening area...
Welcome to the Preflight Screening area. Please remember we're here for your protection.
Laptop out of your carry on, please. Cell phone, too. Digital camera as well. iPod or other MP3 player, too. Spare batteries for all of the above devices, too. Please place all of these items, and anything else that uses electricity of any sort, in a bin, and place that bin on the conveyor that's marked Electronics Hand Screen.
Please throw all liquids in the dumpster. Anything sharp and longer than 1" in length goes in the Sharps Disposal bin. Paperbacks and magazines must be removed from your carry-on and placed on the Documents Hand Check conveyor.
Please remove your belt, shoes, and jacket, and place them on the Clothing Screen conveyor. Wallets, purses, keys, money, and other objects in your pockets go onto the Pocket Contents Screen conveyor.
'Umm, er, ah, OK, I've done all that.'
Thank you. Please step into the Privacy Booth, and remove all your remaining clothing, then lie down on the MRI machine. A technician wearing a full blindfold will strap you down to the MRI machine for scanning. The process will take but a few minutes, but you must lie absolutely still.
A few tense minutes pass...
Thank you. MRI screen successful. Please get dressed and exit the Privacy Booth, and collect your belt, shoes, and jacket. The items from the Pocket Contents and Electronics Hand Screen sections have been scanned, and are headed to the Carry-On Cocooning System now. You'll receive further instructions concerning their retrieval a bit later.
Your Documents Hand Check items have been cleared and placed back in your carry on baggage. Thank you for your cooperation, and have a good trip!
Mr. Smith now heads towards his gate, where he reaches the Departure Screening area.
Welcome to Departure Screening. We're here to make sure everyone has a safe and enjoyable flight. Please take your previously-approved books and magazines from your carry-on. Now place your carry-on on the Carry-On Cocooning conveyor belt. We'll tag it with your name and flight info, and you'll be able to pick it up after we land.
'Wait, I can't have my carry-on onboard?'
Yes, Mr. Smith, you can. However, for your safety, it will be encased in a non-openable cocoon made of a mix of carbon fiber and steel thread, in which it will remain until we land.
'Um, er, ah, OK, here ya go.'
Thank you Mr. Smith. Now please, take your reading materials and move over to the Passenger Cocooning line.
'Passenger cocooning!?!'
Welcome to Passenger Cocooning. Please enter the cocooning machine, and stand completely still, with your reading material held tightly to your chest. The machine will encase you and your reading material in a cocoon of carbon fiber and steel thread. Based on the holographic measurements of your body, the cocoon will be sized appropriately, leaving enough free space for arm movement and reading. Thank you, and have an enjoyable flight!
'Um, er, ah, OK, this is a bit freaky...'
Relax, Mr. Smith, it's perfectly comfortable, and it's for your own safety.
The cocooning machine goes to work, spinning and twisting its weave of bullet- and bomb-proof materials around Mr. Smith.
We're nearly done now, Mr. Smith. Just a couple last items and you'll be on your way. First, you may feel a momentary sharp pain in your arm. Do not worry; that's just the intravenous food and liquid lines that we'll use to serve you during the flight. Would you like to take advantage of our optional Biological Disposal System as well? For a surcharge of only $150, it takes that last worry off your mind.
'NO! That's OK, I'll be fine!'
Very well. We're nearly done then. This last noise you hear is the oxygen and air conditioning system lines being inserted. There, all done! Thanks again for choosing Luxo Air, and enjoy your flight. Your cocoon will now be placed onboard via our CocoonLift system. Please remember the cocoons cannot be opened, so don't waste any effort trying. Have a great trip!
Several hours later, Mr. Smith arrives at his destination...
Welcome to Chicago! Thank you for flying with Luxo Air today, and we hope you enjoyed the flight. The CocoonLift system will shortly be removing you from the aircraft. While noisy and somewhat disorienting, this isn't dangerous in the least, so just relax and let it happen.
Back on terra firma, but still ensconced in his cocoon, Mr. Smith waits his turn...
Welcome to the Cocoon Stripper. Please remain completely motionless inside your cocoon while we remove the shell. Arms should be folded across your chest, and you must remain motionless at all times. The process is relatively noisy but completely painless, assuming you don't do something stupid like move. Relax, this won't take but 10 minutes.
'Ah.....fresh air! Thank you very much. Now, where can I find my electronic devices and carry-on bag?'
Please proceed to the Baggage Cocoon Stripper to identify and pick up your remaining carry on items. And thank you again for flying with Luxo Air.
Obviously quite tongue-in-cheek, and I am not trying to downplay the importance of airline security. As someone who flies somewhat regularly, it's clearly very important to me!
However, if things continue on the current trendline, we're quickly headed for something like the above scenario. Somehow, we need a system that focuses more on identifying the terrorists, and not necessarily the items they're carrying. There's obviously no simple way to do that, though, so we're left with a constantly-increasing list of things we cannot take onboard the plane. I think this provides a false sense of security, though, for there's always something the bad guys will be able to find that isn't yet on the list of things we cannot carry...
Had to pick up my friend from the airport last night, after his flight was repeatedly delayed (it was supposed to leave around 7PM, and ended up leaving around 10PM). The thing that he was angriest about, though, was that after taking precautions to not pack anything that was liquid, they took away his deodorant, causing him to fume that "Nothing in stick form could possibly be a liquid." Apparently they also took away the chapstick of the girl next to him. "Liquid" appears to be a broader term than I recalled from high school chemistry.
Didn't you watch Total Recall and various other sci-fi movies? Soon we'll be walking through an x-ray machine which will be able to detect everything we're carrying and any implantable devices. Star Trek transporters would also be a solution since you and your baggage would be sent through individually and you could be held in the transporter buffer while Mr. O'Brien deactivates any weapons you might have snuck in.
I was caught with a 2 cm nail file on my nail clippers in San Francisco just after September 11. The security lady nicely broke off the file BEFORE informing me that I could go back and check my bag if I wanted to keep all my contraband.
If the PC (and I don't mean personal computer) people would let the screeners do their job on people who look like they might be a possible threat and leave the 3 year old kids and the blue haired ladies alone, we could probably forestall the above scenerio.
Just let them try and take my wife's hearing aids that have batteries. Mind you, a smart person could easily devise a hearing aid to do the work of a cell phone. Maybe my wife will simply be told to either remove the hearing aid batteries or else don't fly.
I did my part to subtract from the line lengths and travellers frustration by cancelling my trip to northern CA on Monday. I'll just do the trip when things calm down.
Well I tell ya, if it is possible to drive a car from Cuba to Florida, then certainly it is possible to drive from any major U.S. city to anywhere else in the world. Time to invest in personal amphibious vehicle manufacturing companies.
-he who stacks pork
Larry,
Once an exception is made for blue-haired old ladies, any reasonable intelligent terrorist organization will simply recruit blue-haired old ladies to carry out their plots. If they ignore small children, some terrorist will decide that hiding a bomb on their child will be a honorable way for them both to die.
Focusing screening based on ethnicity and profiles actually increases the likelihood that a terriorist group will succeed by creating a known method to reduce security. It's got nothing to do with being "PC", it has to do with ensuring that there are not giant holes in the screening process.
A while back I worked for a company that built custom conveyors. We did a lot of business with airport x-ray equipment companies. Once when traveling with my wife and my 6 and 8 year old boys I was showing them how our equipment fit into the x-ray equipment at the airport. We must have made people suspicious and we were taken aside. They had my 6 year old take off his shoes, stand spread eagle with his legs and arms out and wanded him with a hand metal detector. Anyone that knows me knows that I am for strict security but does it make any sense to do that to a 6 year old.
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